The Almost-Speeches
Almost-speeches are speeches that are almost-given (away) and are almost-important enough to record:
The 2008 AP Nomination Acceptance Speech
By: Max Buzzell
Date: 2008-01-03
Addressing the Almost-Party Almost-Convention almost-delegates and other almost-participants.
Almost-friends, Americans, and country music lovers, lend me your cell phones, please, I want your undivided attention. I come to almost-gloat, not to almost-scream uncontrollably and jump up and down. This competition for the nomination was almost-tough on me, and it would have been even tougher if there was some competition . . . . [a few chuckles from the small gathering that is almost a crowd]
I come to you today a little listless, actually. Almost-victorious, you could say. Almost-prepared for the almost-road ahead, . . . and almost-speechless. While this "almost-business" may seem almost-pointless now, there are a few more almost-things I'd like to almost-say:
During this almost-election almost-year (for about ten months actually), the Almost-Party must remain almost-right, almost-left, almost-libertarian, almost-green, almost-reformist, and almost-centrist. In politics, you more or less have to assume the almost-position, and follow the almost-way. With this almost-stance and almost-attitude, I expect to almost-win at almost-year almost-end. [a few snickers]
Sure as almost-shootin.'
As I jog around from place to almost-place, I'll almost have something to say; but mostly I'll be out of breath, or have another almost-excuse. I may come up with a blerb here and there. Sound-bites. You know. . . .
We must emphasize that ours is the Party for almost-change; we are almost relevant, almost-engaged, almost-listening, and almost-informed. These are almost-all almost-positive almost-attributes, and definitely they have been almost-ideals to almost-strive for.
But I almost-digress.
By almost-including and almost-absorbing almost-all of the other Party's almost-agendas and almost-initiatives into our almost-own, we hope to almost be the most almost-attractive. And we'll be doing that in an almost-accretive way. There's a good chance that the Almost-Party becomes fairly large: in size, in number, and in influence, and almost-filled with almost-friends, almost-voters, and other almost-happy, almost-energetic almost-participants. We hope to have almost-all the pretty good almost-ideas. We will probably become almost-officious as we get almost-busy.
But we don't want to lose sight of where we've almost-been, and want to stay almost-true to our almost-strict adherence to being almost-principled, almost-neutral, and almost-perfect. We've had almost-nothing to say up until now, and that should not change much. We are almost-proud of our almost-heritage, even almost-snobbish, while still almost-being all-inclusive.
We are almost-ready, almost-upbeat, almost-viable, and think almost-young. So I'm almost-sure almost-voters will consider the Almost-Party to be the most almost-cool and yet almost-hot choice for 2008 and almost-beyond. And, if I may add, even if our prospects do look luke-warm.
Again, I tip my cap, and have an almost-hearty: "Thank You" to say to almost-everyone for most of your almost-hard almost-work. And have an almost-good night, almost-everyone. Keep on being Almost! [lots of almost-cheers, . . . but mostly just beer mugs banging on tables, and almost-noisy conversation]
