The Almost-Competition
The two traditional parties have their own almost-winners all lined up. You know them only too well. Here, the Almost-Party is compared and contrasted with the other two:
| Party: | Democratic Party | Republican Party | Almost-Party |
| Issue | Super Obama Girl | Ronald Reagan | Max Buzzell |
| Election status | almost-running | almost-running | almost-running |
| Life force | super healthy | ideological: marked by alertness, energy, and steadfastness | mostly almost |
| Net neutrality | leaving that up to Spiderman | both for it and against it for different reasons | for it |
| Space | flies there regularly | a good place for "Star Wars" to take place | the almost-final frontier |
| Visible panty lines | nope | yup, only for women, obviously, and only sometimes | nope |
| Hang-up and Drive | flies everywhere, so doesn't care | Washington, and Lincoln would hang-up and drive, so Reagan probably would too (not to imply that he was a copycat) | yup |
| Exploiting the musical memories of people in television advertising | doesn't care, as long as her theme songs are not used | whatever Nancy thinks is ok | nope |
| Leadership | by flying ahead of everyone and showing them the way | by getting out of the way | by watching what happens to others, and then choose |
| Spending | shops at the mall | invented Reaganomics | secretly saves Chinese renminbi yuan banknotes in mattress, and only spends on food and "Buzzelled Calendar" gifts |
| Gridlock | bad | good | good |
| Libertarianism | bad | good, but he gets to say what is necessary spending | belongs in "ism soup" |
| Physical borders | they're on the map, but maps are difficult to open when you're flying | like 'em a lot | if you look down from a plane you will notice that borders are only almost-borders |
| Trade/Jobs | everyone gets a job, but there can be only one Super Obama Girl | for "fair and balanced" trade if it is good for America | let's not just sell each other the same old crappy shit all the time, and let's invent some new stuff |
| Immigration | wishes the issue would just go away | wishes the issue would just go away | wishes the issue would just go away |
| Pollution | less would be good | less would be good, later | less would be good |
| Foreign policy | she plans to round up all the evil-doers, then the world will be a nice place | be tough, look tough, grease your hair back, and wear dark colors | hope that everone almost-gets along |
| Health care | doesn't need it | already dead, so doesn't care, but quite graciously wishes that your persona lives on as well as his seems to be doing | cures for everything including old age |
| Education | the education candidate | the education candidate | the almost-education candidate |
| Abortion | uses "super birth control" method | nope | the more the merrier really, especially first trimester abortions |
| Entitlements | some | none | hey, the government should be entitled to stuff too |
| Data security | if you can't punch it or kick it, leave it alone | you just don't know what to believe these days, but don't give 'em the launch codes | yup |
| Surveilance | love it, look at meeeeeeeee! | love it, look at meeeeeeeee! . . . and the horse I rode in on | love it, look at meeeeeeeee! |
| Problems | lives to solves problems | exists to solve problems | thinks almost-problems might require almost-solutions someday |
| Action | she is all action | action is sometimes good, especially if it involves lasers | creative inaction is best |
| Vision | can't see through lead, sorry, but then neither can Superman | sees a world where you can see any one of his movies at any time anywhere | sees a world that continues to be almost |
| Parties | parties all the time, mostly at Obama events | if it's not a state dinner, ask Nancy what she would like to do | only almost-parties |
| Promises | promises to be the dream girl | promises to be the dream ideology for all-time | almost-promises to almost-be |
| About almost winning | flies around the issue | doesn't care, will live on regardless | hopes to |
Note: Neither Super Obama Girl nor the Ronald Reagan persona/ideology have endorsed the characterizations of their positions here.
