The Almost-Interviews
Almost-interviews are interviews that almost-take place in the almost-political arena, especially ones close to almost-elections.
Interviewer: Cheeko E. E. Brown
Interviewee: Max Buzzell
Date: 2008-01-04
Subject: Getting to know the Almost-Party Almost-Candidate
Cheeko E. E. Brown (a macaque): First off, I need to inform you of yer inalienable rights, yer Miranda rights, your right to be left-right-out, and that this show is being recorded for posterity and may be re-edited at any time in the future in such a way that you appear in a less-favorable light than you might presently suspect.
Max Buzzell: Yo.
Cheeko: Well, your bio here is quite impressive. It says that you have almost-traveled to Mars, and then moved on to almost-visit all of the moons of Jupiter too. Just one thing: What is this "almost-traveled" business? Is it that you didn't quite touch down, or walk on the surfaces?
Buzzell: Well, more than that . . .. I mean less than that. What I mean is that one can get most of the benefits of travel by just finding out about something remotely: for example, from others who have actually traveled there, or from pictures or dirt samples taken by robots from the place, or through the writings of scientists or researchers.
Cheeko: So you're not some world-famous astronaut just back from a mission, then?
Buzzell: No, I just googled the places.
Cheeko: Well, I was going to say that that is the kind of stuff that usually make Charlie Rose get out from behind his table and get on the plane for the interview, but you're really no more special than anyone else, then, are you?
Buzzell: I like to think of myself as almost-special.
Cheeko: Could you explain that?
Buzzell: Well, I'm not as "special" as some people. In other words, there is a spectrum of "specialness." And it depends what aspects are being considered when the determination is being made.
Cheeko: I think I'm almost getting it. So I hear your running for President.
Buzzell: Almost. There's a big difference between running for President and almost-running for President.
Cheeko: I'll say. [He glances backstage for a second.]
Buzzell: For one thing, when you're almost-running for President it is a little more relaxing. You can run at your own pace, as it were. Actually, I don't so much run, as jog. You only have to campaign in the states you feel like going to, and when you feel like going to them. You don't have to go where it's cold, for example. You can just campaign in the southern states in the winter, and then in the northern states in the summer months, . . . if you feel like it, . . . I guess. I might visit New York. But I'm still only almost-sure that I'm actually going to "tour." I might not.
Cheeko: I see. Well there is something to be said for this "almost-running" then. I can see now why the major candidates aren't talking about you. Whew, I thought I was on the zoo "back lot" for a while, or something. But then you definitely won't win. And you won't be getting any federal matching funds. And we might not see you on TV much. So I have to ask then: SO WHAT if you almost-win?!@#$%*?
Buzzell: Who wants to win? Then you've got to do the toughest job in the world for four years. The Almost-Party is almost-dedicated to almost-getting almost-points across—or, just almost-across would be good enough—and then sitting back and letting others almost-take the almost-action almost-necessary. Nothing really happens in politics anyway. As stated quite clearly in the Almost-Position: The ultimate goal of all politics is to maintain the status quo. And I would almost-add, that the ultimate goal of almost-politics is to almost-maintain the status quo. A much more tenable position, I find. The Almost-Party is almost-content just to almost-help, and do our almost-part.
Cheeko: Is this what almost-fluent Almost-Speak sounds like?
Buzzell: 'Fraid, so. I just want to almost-win. That would be fine with me.
Cheeko The Curious: Do you have a platform, or a stance on any of the issues then?
Buzzell: Of course. You name the issue, and the Almost-Party has an almost-firm position on it. Net almost-neutrality, almost-global almost-warming, almost-education almost-reform—
Cheeko Thomas Nearly: Did I hear you say "almost-education?" I mean that's a bit much, even if you do insist on prefixing every word with "almost." You either get an education or you don't. People have degrees to say what they're educated in.
Buzzell: Yes, but it's not as simple as that. Think about it. A few days after each exam you've forgotten a lot of the details. In the process of learning you've structured your thinking somewhat, but there is still always a gap between what you did know at one time and what you know now. Likewise, there's always a gap between the totality of what you know, and everything there is to know about something. In almost every field, by the time you've finished your college education almost-half of what you've almost-learned is almost-obsolete anyway. So you only really get an almost-education.
Cheeko Fireball: In other words, we should consider ourselves as lucky every time we awake from a general anesthetic.
Buzzell: Exactly.
Cheeko Davis, Esq.: So, what kind of women do you like?
Buzzell: Oh, the Marie Curie type. You know, someone that brings home the Nobel Prizes, and stays out of the bars. Jane Goodall would be another great example. Would you agree?
Cheeko E. E. Brown: Absolutely. She's a real talker.
Buzzell: A lot of her books are illustrated, too.
Cheeko Banks: It says here that you have almost completed your third book. You're probably not going to tell us about that one, but could you tell us a bit about the first two?
Buzzell: Well, you see, . . . it's like this. The first two are not quite finished either.
Cheeko-Bot: You mean, they're almost-finished. Just like the third one. And just like everything else I'm going to ask you about. This is some kind of "almost-joke" again isn't it?
Buzzell: Well, I think of my self as almost-serious, . . . almost-funny at the same time, and often almost-otherworldly. [gesturing with one hand a bit]
Cheeko Samurai-Sword-in-Waiting: That's nice. But where are you really from?
Buzzell: Almostville, Florida.
Cheeko "Freaky Bitch" Nelson: That's right next to La-La Land. Right?
[Cheeko leaves his seat and heads for the door. Buzzell stays seated.]
[Dick Cavett enters the room.]
Cheeko: Oh, Hello, Mr. Cavett. Can I help you?
Cavett: Yes, I'm looking for Studio "C." I will be interviewing Max Buzzell.
Cheeko: You're here. He's right over there. Good luck.
Buzzell: Next! This time I hope you ask me more questions about politics. [Said loud enough that Cheeko could hear.]
Cavett: Awwww. You only got an almost-interview. . ..
[David Frost enters the room.]
Frost: Is this Studio "C?"
Cavett: Wait in line, Bucko!
